Darkness

This post is another detour from Yes Means Yes, before I get into some heavy posts. Reflecting on readings from Dreaming the Dark by Starhawk.

(page XIV) "When we tell of the turning dark, the velvet dark, Hecate's birthgiving dark, the shadow listens to that also. And what we name feeds into the open imaginations that are listening. So their concept of what is narrowly called death can change.
"The dark: all that we are afraid of, all that we don't want to see--fear, anger, sex, grief, death, the unknown.
"The turning dark: change.
"The velvet dark: skin soft in the night, the stroke of flesh on flesh, touch, joy, mortality.
"Hecate's birth-giving dark: seeds are planted underground, the womb is dark, and life forms itself anew in hidden places."

This blog is about exploring the dark places: the scary, taboo, secretive places of my memories, my culture, and my life. It's about shining a light into the darkness, seeing what's there, and either bringing something into the light or leaving it in the dark.

Darkness has been associated with negativity for much too long. Sometimes darkness is nurturing, restful, protective, healthy, necessary.

My husband and I have different strategies for moving about the house in the middle of the night. Unless I need to read something (like a prescription label), I keep the lights off. Sudden light pains and blinds me. The bathroom has enough ambient light and I touch the back of the toilet to make sure the seat isn't up. I travel the stairs by feel. He turns on the light. I guess it's not as jarring for him. I go slower and more carefully, but that's all the changes I make.

The darkness I'm exploring with this blog is by far velvet darkness: that of carnality. The "dark side" I indulge is that of rough sex and non-monogamy. I strive for healthy non-monogamy in that I am honest and open to my partners about my partnerships. Because I am married, my consent is contingent upon my husband's consent. If he doesn't grant me the consent to be with another, then that would be cheating, which is wrong.

The downside to an open marriage is our culture's slut shaming. Because I don't conform to a narrow vision of sexual morality, those who do have a narrow view would say that I asked for it if anything untoward would happen to me again. Hell, I "deserved" it the first time for not waiting until marriage!

Happily, we live in a pluralistic society, and not everyone subscribes to a sex-negative perspective, which I find much "darker" ethically. My interest in in negotiating my sexuality in ways that respect me, my husband, my lovers, and my lovers' spouses.

Whether I adhere to mainstream expectations, I am not nothing/a slut/(insert insult here) because I enjoy sex. I am more than my sexuality.

(page 10) "The world itself is the content of the world, its true value, its heart, and its soul."

I recently had a spiritual discussion where I revealed that I don't believe in heaven and hell, that they are both states found in daily life. Sexually, heaven is orgasmic enthusiastic sex while hell is coercive sex, sexual assault, sexual abuse, and rape. Concepts of the afterlife require faith, and I'm not looking for spiritual debate. I'm not trying to proselytize, and I'd appreciate being given the same respect.

A girl in northern California was kidnapped at age 11, held captive, and raped repeatedly for almost two decades, forced to bear two children. That is hell. The man who kidnapped her is the devil. His wife, who did nothing to stop this, is the devil. All the people who failed to notice the compound (parole officers, etc) have sinned. Hell is of this world.

One form of faith is (page 11) "...choosing to take this living world, the people and the creatures on it, as the ultimate meaning and purpose of life, to see the world, the earth, and our own lives as sacred."

Sex is sacred. When sex is free from coercion, guilt, emotional blackmail, cheating, lies , and violence, when sex is freely shared and enthusiastically engaged in, sex is sacred, wholesome, wondrous, beautiful. The joy I get from sex fills me, refreshes me, makes life good. Everything I enjoy adds to life, bringing me heaven in this world: companionship, exploration, love, children, good food, cooking, trees, so many things. Seeing life and sex as sacred makes coercive, non-consensual facsimiles of sex even more horrific, the blasphemy that it truly is.

(page 35) "...our choices bring about consequences, and--we cannot escape responsibility for the consequences, not because they are imposed by some external authority, but because they are inherent in the choices themselves."

A long time ago, I dated a man who chose not to listen when I said no. That choice makes him a rapist.

I have healed greatly over the years, but pieces of me are still hurting. In order to fully heal, I have to reopen old wounds and risk hurting again. Not healing is also a choice, but not healing will mean that I'll continue to hurt for the rest of my life, that I'll have a frozen voice, that I'll find myself paralyzed with fear. I have instead chosen to speak.