Sex Negativity

Responding to "Offensive Feminism: The Conservative Gender Norms That Perpetuate Rape Culture, and How Feminists Can Fight Back" by Jill Filipovic In Yes Means Yes.

My response focuses on pieces of the essay, as it relates to me, and not the essay as a whole. This will be true of all of my responses. There is much that I've read that I am not including in this blog, whether I have a reason beyond space for that or not.

(Page 17) "The idea that women might want to have sex for pleasure without having to carry a pregnancy for nine months afterward and then raise a child is quite contrary to conservative values."

I don't understand the sex-negative, supposedly "pro-life," mind set, except at a reflection that women should be punished for having sex. If a girl doesn't know where or how to procure birth control (common with abstinence-only sex ed) and ends up in a relationship that leads to sex, even if that sex is coercive, she is then shamed as a slut for ending up pregnant (never mind that he should be just as responsible for birth control as she is). And despite the "pro-life" view that the fetus should have rights and be carried to term no matter what, the same people who protest abortions turn their backs on providing social services and financial support to mothers once the baby is born. How is that anything but punitive?

My focus, however, is not on conservative hatred of our so-called welfare state. This slut-shaming is why I am posting anonymously. A girl merely being sexually active is reason enough in too many minds for boys to go for the score instead of making damn sure that the girl they're with truly consents. Boys will be boys & girls should watch out, right? Wrong. Men who truly enjoy sex have a much, much better time with an enthusiastic woman. What's the fun in fucking someone who's scared stiff or just quietly lying there because it's easier than arguing? Sex should be fun.

(Page 20) "Men are rational human beings fully capable of listening to their partners and understanding that sex isn't about pushing someone to do something they don't want to do. Plenty of men are able to grasp the idea that sex should be entered into joyfully and enthusiastically by both partners, and that an absence of 'no' isn't enough--'yes' should be the baseline requirement."

Once upon a time when I was 18, I met a guy, JRS. JRS flirted heavily, and then never stopped. While I had grown up standing up for myself fairly often, I didn't stand up for myself that day. He ended up taking off my panties, lifting my skirt, leaning me against a table, and doing as he pleased. I froze. My response was nil. No sounds, no squirming, no delight. I just stood there.

And then he flipped me over and continued using my body by fucking me in the ass. It was excruciating. I yelped in pain. He said oops and kept on going.

Eventually he flipped me over yet again--which lead to my first yeast infection. And I was left wondering what the hell just happened --how had I LET that happen? Did he rape me? I never said no. What should I call this?

Sadly, this is a much too common experience, and shortly after I found myself in a relationship with a man who raped me repeatedly. But that's another story. I do wonder, though, how much my emotional disquiet from this "misunderstanding" and the emotionally abusive relationship I'd just left kept me from leaving that relationship more quickly. I was reeling.

My confusion as to how to name and understand my experience made it all the harder to process and grieve, remember my voice, and move on. I eventually labeled it a horrible misunderstanding, which I now find problematic, but I made myself re-learn how to say no forcefully before I allowed myself to date again.

Now my partners simply stop if they don't get an enthusiastic response from me. I have no worries that my husband or lover(s) will continue pushing unwanted attention when faced with hesitation from me. They get no pleasure from non-enthusiastic sex.

Last week a woman I work with explained that in the last weeks of their relationship, her ex-boyfriend continued with intercourse even though she locked her legs together against him, shielded her breasts from his hands with her arms, and even grabbed the bed to resist him. "I didn't say no," she told me. My response to her was "that's rape." She resisted, and he ignored her. A lack of verbal no is not an excuse.

I've committed to teaching my children that only yes means yes. Hesitation means no. Lack of response means no. Removing wandering hands means no. Admitting to being uncertain and neverous--all of it means no.

And my decision to teach enthusiasm as the standard is why "horrible misunderstanding" now seems inadequate to explain what happened with JRS.