Conflicts

I have been dealing with mood issues since starting this journey down memory lane. The rage it has uncovered surprised me, and I started having depression symptoms as well. I started fighting with pretty much everyone, and when I've tried not to fight, I've dissociated instead. I'm in counseling and have now started on an anti-depressant. I know this takes time, and that I just need a little patience. Healing isn't always easy.

I've also recognized that when I'm angry, I don't always take well to conflict or disagreements, and I tend to be much more defensive.

Because I don't want my anger to permanently affect my relationships with those I love, I am doing my best to figure out a constructive way to deal with it without just shutting off. This post about a community web site's posting rules for disagreements has helped me understand my own thoughts about disagreements with those I love and care about.

"maybe the staying and struggling seem so impossible because we havent agreed upon how we will talk to each other. how we will argue. how we will make decisions."

My husband and I have different approaches to arguing. He wants to deal with the hurt immediately so it doesn't boil over in him. I want a cool down period so that I won't boil over in the heat of the moment. Three days is about what it usually takes for me, and then I'm ready to talk about things rationally. It's difficult to reconcile those time frames.

But my avoidance of talking while angry leads to uncertainty and tension in my relationships with my best friend and my lover, which then just extends the hurt feelings that I was trying to avoid anyway because I didn't want to lash out while angry.

And then there's the question of whether to talk or to write. My thoughts seem easier to manage in writing, as I tend to blank on words or combine two words into one when I try to speak while angry, but when I write, I can't always tell if the reader will understand what I'm trying to say. I can, and often do, edit my written words. It's difficult to do that when speaking. This may actually be the easiest challenge to overcome. I can always write it down and then read it out loud, which I never think to do.

I think I should bring this up to my counselor, and see if she has any suggestions.

The pit of rage I discovered surprised me. Now I need to learn to deal with it.