Monday, October 19, 2009

What Is Normal?

Responding to the song "What Do You Hear In These Sounds?" by Dar Williams.

"I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they’d know that I was scared
They would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me..."

This is my confession: I am scared and guessing and trying to keep my head afloat in a storm of emotions that I don't know how to handle beyond pretending they're not there.

I worry that I'm not good enough and never will be.

I worry that I'm not normal, that I'm scary-strange, that there's something wrong with me.

And I wonder if my worries are normal, then does that mean that what's wrong is in fact something about the culture/society that I live in?

I've finally noticed that I am depressed, and that I am not the only one in pain. I don't know if what works for me will work for anyone else. I'm not even sure what works for me.

After years of false starts and struggling with the decision, I am in counseling with a therapist that I feel I can trust.

And in talking about my problems, I can see that I'm not the only one with them.

I've also realized that I'm not going down this path searching for happiness. I'm aiming to stop being miserable. I'm sure I'll realize that I'm happy somewhere along the way.

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